confessions

Have you ever said something and then immediately thought "Why would I ever say that"? Have you ever thought about that dumb thing that you had said all night or even the next day? Maybe it's just me, but I find myself doing this all the time. I have found that it is easier to not say how I feel than to say something and wish I hadn't later. Once in a while this is a good thing, but since freshman year of high school it has started to change my life and how I see myself. When I really know someone I will open up. I have family, a few friends, and of course Dan. Those are the people I really feel like I can open up to.

Over the past year or two I have recognized the problem and am trying to slowly work on fixing it even if it is extremely uncomfortable to do so. Lately I have noticed that I am so nervous about what I am saying and how it will come out that even with family I will stutter over my words. I know it is normal to mess up sometimes, or say something you don't mean but this goes beyond that. So there it is.... the big confession.

Since I got pregnant I have been working even harder at it. I don't want Logan growing up so worried about what other people think or about speaking his mind. One of the biggest ways I have been working on it is going to church without Dan (he works on Sundays). I know that it is important for Logan and I to be in church so I have been trying to become more comfortable with going by myself. Another way I have been "stretching" myself  is trying to just say YES to going places and doing things when I might be nervous about going. I almost always leave thinking "That wasn't bad... I could do that again" which is why I want to start putting myself in those situations more often.

So little by little I have been stretching myself. A little while ago I actually did a blog post kind of like this. Instead of keeping it up I deleted it about five minutes later.. It was just things that I wouldn't normally tell people right off. So tonight I found myself writing some things that I wouldn't normally just tell people (unless I was pretty close to them) in my notebook. So I decided as another way to stretch myself I would write them on here. I am not going to delete them and I won't leave any out. This may not seem daring but it's just something I wouldn't normally do...

So Here They Are...

•  I love cemeteries. Laura and I would spend all afternoon some Sundays walking around in them. I love seeing the few words about how a person was remembered. It makes me think about how I will be remembered and puts that perspective back into life.
• I love shopping, but hate grocery shopping. I get in and out of there as quick as I can and if I forgot something at the beginning, I try to decide if it is really important enough to weave my way back through the crowd or if we can live without it until next week.
• If I won the lottery (not much chance because I don't really play) I would not give much to charity. I would go on a bunch of missions trips instead. There is something so special about actually being there on location helping others.
• I love country music... that's right country.
• I love getting lost. Dan does not love it at all! So if anyone wants to be my car buddy someday and just get lost... let me know. Something about a hot coffee, rainy day, music,and having no clue where I am just sounds perfect. You always run into a highway at some point right?? The same goes for a sunny day and an iced coffee :)
• I have never wanted the typical college experience. Something about four years in a little room with three other girls (who aren't even related to me) does not sound like a good time. I wouldn't mind taking classes at some point but have not ever wanted to live there. More power to the people that do because it must take a lot of patience.
• I already have my dream job. A friend of mine recently brought up that when our teacher asked what we wanted to be when we grew up in fifth grade I said "A stay at home mom"... I am so blessed... a teacher or nurse would be my next pick.
• I am pretty much the opposite of my mom in just about everything. However, I don't think that there is a woman on earth that I respect more than her. That is saying something because I have had some pretty awesome older women in my life that I really look up to. I love spending time with her more than she will ever know.
• Now that I am out of school, I don't memorize nearly as much scripture as I should. I plan on changing that this year.
• I would love to really learn how to play tennis. I just want to be able to play whenever I want to... that is another goal for this year.
• Something about seeing Dan be the father that I didn't have melts my heart. I love the way that he loves our little guy.
• I am absolutely petrified of the doctors. I get so sick and feel like I am going to pass out when I have to go. I thought that would change when I had to go so often when I was pregnant but... It didn't... at all.
• Having a child made me stronger and more vulnerable all at the same time. I think if you are a mom you will understand that.
• I love cooking and baking. The problem is that dreaded thing you have to do in order to get the stuff to cook. :)
• I really want to go to Tennessee sometime in the next few years.
• My dream home is a cozy little log cabin.
• I wish that I was better at saving.

I guess this is enough for tonight. So here I go.... not deleting :)